Spanish Armada
by Demeanon
Summary: A collection of Homestuck shipping shortfics.
1. Dave & Rose

A/N: Pairing drabbles. I might try to do everyone/everyone at some point, but currently it's mostly just the kids. I will attempt to update one a week or once every two weeks.

And no, I don't personally ship anyone.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Dave & Rose

He shouldn't like her. At least, not in the way that he did. She was his goddamn _sister_, no lie. But for the entire 13 years of his life, he had thought Bro was his only family. He had been okay with that fact – from how his friends described their parents, it seemed like only nerds and Goths and other un-cool kids were raised by their parents.

When he had been in control of her house, he had put the lathe on the top floor on purpose. Not just 'cause he enjoyed fucking with her – that was only part of it – but also 'cause he fuckin' _loved_ the fact that it was because of what he did that made her sweat.

But then John went and fucked over his entire worldview, saying that not only was Bro not really his super cool older brother, but that he was instead his damn _father_, and on top of all this fuckery, Rose was his sister, and so he had to go for Jade. All according to John. Briefly, he considered calling John out on the bluff – accusing him of wanting to have Rose all to himself.

But he didn't complain, didn't show his anger, 'cause cool kids don't complain – they get over it.


	2. Sober Gamzee & Nepeta

A/N: So I was going to wait until Tuesday to upload another chapter, but I decided that since I already have a lot of them written, I'll shoot for Tuesday and Thursday updates.

_**This chapter contains mild characterization-related spoilers if you have not read up to the January 24th, 2011 updat**__e._ Also, Sober!Gamzee is kinda difficult.

Early Troll-related "ship". I do not own Homestuck.

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Sober!Gamzee & Nepeta

She had a paint they would never need – it wasn't the right shade.

_Not One Motherfuckin' Bit. Too Dingy._

But they have seen her lap blood off her gloves like her motherfucking Lusus

_Like Her Motherfuckin' Lusus_

It's _A_ mother_Fuckin'_ turn _On_.

And the way she kills those whom she hunts

_It Fills Them With Excitement_

So much motherfucking blood spilt in such little time.

_The _perfect _Troll_ to _Help_ them _With_ the _Motherfucking _MASTERPIECE.

_And If They Needed Her Shade_

She is already by their side.

_Honk. _Honk.


	3. Dave & Dave

A/N: I realized that I actually uploaded this story on a Monday, so updates are gonna be Mondays and Thursdays, 'cause it's slightly more evenly spaced and I don't feel like uploading on my busiest day of the week.

Another Human kids ship. I do not own Homestuck.

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Dave & Dave

He's a fucking awesome dude. So damn cool that he gives himself frostbite. And frostbite hurts like a motherfucker, so that makes him extra-cool.

But he's still a kid, and he still feels the need to experiment every now and again. And what better way to experiment when you and your super-cool time-travling clones are the only goddamn humans around than with yourself?

He has become accustomed to the idea that all the Daves he doesn't remember being are, in fact, Doomed Daves, so the idea of creating one more solely for the purpose of self-experimentation is nothing to him. He isn't sure what to do exactly when he meets this new Doomed Dave, so he calls upon the memory of a movie Bro was watching once and didn't notice him until he asked why the girl was moaning.

And it feels so wrong, but _FUCK_ does it feel good.


	4. Rose & Dave

A/N: Replacement Chapter Uploaded. Filler Chapter Deleted. Blargh. For those of you who catch this second-update-of-the-day-that-totally-lessens-my-store-of-drabbles, enjoy the fic. Also, yay for Dave! Sneaky bastard gets 3 out of 4 chapters so far.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Rose & Dave

Normally she would be against forfeiting control over her life to someone else – she had had enough of that from her mother. Yet, when Dave was the one controlling her life through the game, she felt a small flutter in her heart that spread throughout her body like butter melted in the sun.

Sure, every once and again he affected her life in ways that she detested, such as putting things she needed clearly out of reach and tricking John into allowing him to copy the material that the Old Ones called for her to destroy thus undoing her work, but every time he did something akin to such things, he would always do his best to fix it in the next available instance. It was… endearing.

When John reveals that Dave is, in fact, her brother, she cannot stop the feeling of dread that surfaces in response to the newfound knowledge. To think she had felt such feelings towards her own flesh and blood…

So she throws all her attention into the game and figuring out how to beat it. In the meantime, she attempts to forget her brother.


	5. John & Jade

A/N: Short, short shorty short update. 'Cause I have class in 20 minutes and wrote this on the fly. Re-edited several hours later.

I do not own Homestuck.

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John & Jade

It all made sense now. At least, the reason why he and Jade got along so well – they were siblings. And here he had thought that he'd need to date her or something 'cause they were so similar, and similar people end up together in the movies. But now he doesn't have to worry about _that_ kind of relationship. He ignores the fleeting feeling of disappointment that _somehow_ pop up when he should be relieved.

Besides, now he has someone to tutor in the art of pranking – continuing the family hobby and stuff. And if that means hanging out with her more often, he's game.

He thinks that she'd be impressed with his new powers – maybe he'd blow her around one day and my god, that sounded wrong.

He's not very good at strictly brotherly behavior yet.


	6. Dave & Jade

A/N: Somewhat late update. I've had a busy week, so here's another Dave-pairing from when I was on a train for 14 hours.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Dave & Jade

Somehow he always came away from conversations with Jade smiling. Fucking _smiling_, with teeth and everything. Her bubbly personality always had that weird ability to make him forget where he was for a moment.

He imagines her laugh to be freakin' _spectacular_, and so he always tries his damn hardest to make her laugh.

He felt like his heart was going to burst after John revealed that Jade was his sister and that he could go ahead and go after her, 'cause he wasn't related to her or some shit like that. He had been fucking nervous as hell – for some reason, getting permission from Jade's _brother_ made him think about all the things that he could fuck up and lose the permission to go after her.

So he made her laugh, and suddenly he didn't care anymore.


	7. Stoned Gamzee & Sober Gamzee

A/N: Happy Valentine's Day. Let's celebrate with some schizophrenic self-blackrom featuring everyone's favorite insane clown!

I do not own Homestuck.

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Stoned!Gamzee & Sober!Gamzee

He didn't want to kill those motherfuckers he called friends. He never wanted to kill any motherfuckers.

_They_ made him kill his friends. Motherfucking Prophets. Those motherfuckers who fuck about in his think pan, making a motherfucking mess out of motherfucking everything.

Motherfucker, he'd stop if he was still in charge. But he wasn't.

Motherfucker.

All he can do is motherfucking pace like a motherfucking wriggler in his own motherfucking think pan, slowly being driven even more motherfucking insane by the motherfucking violently wrenching planes and their motherfucking disconcerting color flashes.

He hates those motherfuckers. He hates himself. Fuck. If he hadn't been chosen for this motherfucking game, he wouldn't have killed all those motherfuckers. But he can't do a motherfucking thing from the motherfucking prison of his own motherfucking mind.

Motherfucker, he should have gotten motherfucking _culled_. Trolls all fucked up on motherfucking sopor slime are seen as motherfucking useless. The only motherfucking reason he was allowed to live was probably because he was a motherfucking Subjuggulator.

If he was motherfucking corporeal right now, he'd shed a motherfucking tear of purple motherfucking sorrow. Then he'd bash in his own motherfucking head.

But he's motherfucking trapped in his own motherfucking head, and can't do a motherfucking thing to help his motherfucking brothers in need. And he knows that soon there will be no motherfuckers left to subjuggulate but his own motherfucking self.

He can't motherfucking wait for that.


	8. Rose & John

A/N: I have realized something - I have an odd tendency to undertake large projects that I don't really have time for, and yet love every harrowing minute of the adventure. This is one of those projects. Oh well. As long as fun is had.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Rose & John

He makes her smile. Sometimes he succeeds at garnering a chuckle. Rarely, if ever, does he reduce her to the type of laughter associated with large, fat, holy men of Asian heritage. She finds it rather distressing that he has no notion of what raw power a laugh holds in the formation of relationships. Can he really be that clueless?

Of course, he _is_ the type to think that laughs mean nothing, what with his obsession with jokes and pranks. She wonders if he truly puts no stock into her mirth.

But all of these mildly depressing thoughts are shoved aside once more when he talks to her. She feels flustered and… _happy?_ She attempts to hide her odd feelings behind overly flowery language that prose authors of the previous century utilized. She wonders if he can see through her façade.

She rather doubts it, given his predisposition to taking the intent of words at face value and general mirth. It is one of the things she lov… likes about him.


	9. Dave & John

A/N: Dear Dave, as much as you are loved by the fanbase, please stop hogging the spotlight for this collection. Let other people get their pairings in. Thank you.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Dave & John

Sometimes he really wishes that he'd actually been able to see John in person – to know just how much of a size difference there was between them, so that he'd be able to tackle the little fucker and pin him to the ground and make him apologize for some stupid ass prank he'd pull on him. Maybe even make him beg.

Beg for what, he didn't have a fucking clue. Just the idea of John begging was enough.

He didn't want to admit that he thought the idea of pinning his best friend to the ground and making him beg turned him on and led his mind into territory he associated with Bro's work. Because he was a cool kid. And cool kids aren't fucking fags.

Right?


	10. Mom & Dad

A/N: I don't think John would've been very happy if his dad and Rose's mom had gotten married - then Rose would be his sister too, and that would mess up the shipping map.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Mom & Dad

They were so similar – both of them were single, adoptive parents. They both had various hang-ups and vices, and they both tried their hardest to keep their children happy and safe. Before she had met him, she had always turned to her vices when she felt she had failed Rose. She still drank sometimes, but now a single martini could last her an hour as opposed to five minutes. Maybe Rose would like her better now – she'd ask her next time she saw her.

They had met many years ago. How they had met did not matter anymore – it was a chance meeting, as most meetings are. All that mattered now was that they were together again. Not even the destruction of Earth could truly dampen her joy of being with him once again.

The blue sky of the battlefield was reflected in her drink, but she paid it no mind. She was with _him_, and that was all that mattered. After their picnic, they had decided to go look for their children. Maybe they could be a family, all of them. Together. There was no end to the possibilities.

If she hadn't been so enthralled in him and the future, maybe she would have noticed the dark figure reflected in her drink.


	11. Eridan & Sollux

A/N: I had to go on an archive binge for this one. It was fun.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Eridan & Sollux

He hated him. He hated him so fiercely that he _needed_ an auspistice to keep his feelings from shifting from ashen to caliginous. The very idea made him ill – caliginous feelings for such a lowblood… it was revolting. He had tried to remind himself of his higher station, but every time he thought about that filth – filth that had beaten him with a science that required no medium – he felt hatred too furious to be stifled rise within him.

He was almost thankful when Feferi accused him of trying to sabotage their relationship by forcing her into auspistice – it gave him an out. Of course he was only attempting to spark a rivalry to ruin the relationship of the girl who broke his heart in order to cement them all in the ashen quadrant. It sounded much better than the true reason.

The second round of their fight was over too quickly – maybe he wasn't meant to continue with his admittedly backwards methods of courtship. But a bit of doubt, and a smidgen of loathed hope, kept him from killing the lowblood.

Maybe a proper kismesis could begin with a murdered hypotenuse and a partner whose last vision in life is of the one who took that power away.


	12. Jack Noir & Aradia

A/N: Late update. Despite that, I hope you, dear reader, enjoy this drabble.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Jack Noir & Aradia

He had just succeeded in destroying an entire world – its citizens either burning in the green fire of his hatred or already passed, their bodies chopped into pieces and adding fuel to the inferno. So imagine his surprise when he turned to see a figure in red, defiantly floating amongst the debris, untouched by his destructive rampage.

In his abhorrence for something so lively, he dove for the figure. _The girl_. He had almost reached her when suddenly he stopped moving. At first he didn't notice and didn't care. He just wanted to feel his sword take another life and watch the blood flow yet again. Maybe this blood would be fucking _normal_.

It was when he had been stuck there for what felt like half an eternity that he realized that she had frozen him in time. Oh, how he grew to hate her in that eternal moment. He wanted nothing more than to break free and destroy her. But as time continued to stretch on, he began to think that a swift death was too good for her.

He wanted to torture her, break her, and deny her basic comforts. Until she came to see him as the god he was. And he would keep her next to him for eternity, a perfect aide to help him draw out every torturous minute of his enemies' lives. It would be glorious.


	13. Special : Masochism Tango

A/N: Anyone remember that filler chapter originally uploaded for chapter 5 or so? Well, here it is again, because I am a bit too busy to write creatively right now. And, as a note, this was written before the character focused on met up with a certain clown.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Special : Masochism Tango

It had begun when the human, Rose, had questioned if Kismesis was similar to a masochistic tango. This notion confused a certain troll. So, utilizing their access to the Human internet, Equius had looked up tangos, and found them wholly revolting. Why in the name of sanity would anyone ever want to dance like _that_? It was wrong, disgusting, and, oh fiddlesticks, he needed a towel.

After attempting and failing to find a towel, the young blue-blood had returned to his computer to see if there was anything to do with masochism and tangos. He quickly found a result that satisfied both the search for masochism and tangos.

Music had died out on Alternia quite some time ago, so Equius's first reaction was to wonder what the heck it was that he was listening to. And then a male voice came from his computer.

_"I ache for the touch of your lips dear, but much more for the touch of your whips, dear. You can raise welts, like Nobody else, as we dance to The Masochism Tango."_

"My word," Equius thought as the song went on. "I had thought that humans did not possess the concept of Kismesis."

Damn. He needed a towel.


	14. Nepeta & Karkat

A/N: I have failed. I couldn't find a place to put a purrfect cat pun into this chapter. Unless Author's Notes count. Also, due to needing a comparison animal, I had to make up the species name of Nepeta's lusus. Loewe. German for lion. Plural is Loewen. Yeah. Also, this is short for many reasons, and all of them stupid or relating to my unexplained week-long lag in updating.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Nepeta & Karkat

She had liked him for a while now. Maybe it was his fierce voice, attempting to drown out all the others (so similar to how male Loewen acted), maybe it was his immense knowledge of shipping and the help he had given her to learn the complicated relationship structure their race. Either way, he was the one she was _pretty sure_ she'd have a matespritship with.

She was so sure, that she would always defend him in an argument, even though he'd often forget she was there, because that's what matesprits do. They protect each other.

At least, that's what she'd heard.

So it was a very little surprise to her that when she was faced with certain death, she found herself hoping that he'd charge in and rescue her.


	15. Jade & Rose

A/N: I am doing an update flurry right now. Why? 'Cause I need to catch up with the story. Two more updates and I will be. As you all wait for these fabled quick updates, please enjoy the following. Oh, and I am now done with the kids/kids pairings. Yay.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Jade & Rose

They worked well together. The Seer and the Witch. Two titles that had so much in common – seers and witches of ancient lore had been similar names for what was almost the same job. Well not really, as both had their own distinctive traits and skill proficiencies, and one of them had a bit more standing as a legitimate source of knowledge in the past, of course before Christianity took over, and oh, she was rambling again.

But they _were_ both based in mysticism and magic. They were both things science could not explain, and so they had to be able to mix and mesh with one another or die.

They were also the only girls left – a safe haven to retreat to when boys were too stupid to have actual conversations with. An intellectual partner who she never got tired of talking to.

She thinks she likes her a bit more than is normal for relationships like theirs, but she has to hide it. There is no way two girls can rebuild a species all on their own.


	16. Bro & Mom

A/N: What's this? Another update? Why, yes. It is. Enjoy. Oh, and Bro totally says rad instead of cool. True facts.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Bro & Mom

He didn't see her too often. She travels all over the damn country, giving speeches at astrology conventions or whatever the fuck she does. All he knows is that whenever she's in the fucking area, she always stops by his favorite bar. Orders her bloody girly drinks. And _then_, whenever he offers to buy her a fucking normal drink (like a Guinness), she always does some kind of goddamn mind trick that leaves him looking the fool and her paying for everything. But she's a funny, interesting, educated, _sexy_ (sexy, sexy) lady – he can't help thinking she's fuckin' rad.

Especially since she's always willing to pay for the hotel room.

But when the night is over and she's packing up to leave for wherever-the-fuck she's off to next, he can't squash that stupid ass little _wriggle_ of desire to keep her there another minute. Because he fucking can't stop thinking that she has someone somewhere else that means so much more to her than a damn fuck buddy.

Of course, he never tells anyone this. Its part of the cool guy code – never let them see you worry.


	17. Eridan & Nepeta

A/N: So I return. Suprise people! I will not have a large swatch of updates this time, but rest assure there are other short stories already written for this. Happy end of the school year I guess?

I do not own Homestuck.

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Eridan & Nepeta

She was an impeccable fighter, even before they all had to learn to fight for survival. She was also quite powerful – capable of defending herself from almost any foe without interference from her blue-blood moirail. Even he had to admit that it was impressive. Especially for a low blood that overturned the natural order of things by even _conducting_ a relationship with one more deserving than she.

She was fiercely loyal, and vicious to those who threatened her friends and companions, something most nobles threw to the side in an attempt to gain power amongst their peers.

But even so, he could not help himself sometimes – his eyes seemed drawn to her when she played her silly little games, laughed, and most intriguing of all, showed her protective side in the heat of battle, her brows drawn down in concentration but a small smile still adorning her lips. She was almost worthy of praise, possibly more so than even he was, but he withheld such proclamations, as her filth still had to be taken into account.

And yet he could not stop himself from wondering, when she looked so glorious on the battlefield, if she would ever show such glory in defending him.


	18. Aradia & Sollux

A/N: Aradia and Sollux are one of the few canon pairings I like, which is a rare occurance in any fandom for me. I guess I just like the really tragic romances.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Aradia & Sollux

They had a history. But really, who didn't these days? She could see the stretch of time, see all the points in her life that could have been changed, creating a self she could scarcely recognize, and so knew that everyone had a history. Yet she could not stop herself from wanting to visit their happier days, before everything changed. And so she did.

She saw their meeting, how he had been so shy compared to her vivaciousness; their myriad of interactions during which they came to realize that the feelings they shared were as red as her blood; and finally the last time she saw him in her old body.

The first time she visited, she had wanted to stop it, to keep her old self from the realization that the one she held so dear was about to murder her in cold blood, and the heartbreak that came with such a realization before everything was broken. The second time, she stayed beyond the fiery destruction of everything that once mattered to her, and saw the mental control of the Spider lift from her beloved's mind, leaving him to grieve amongst the ashes and rubble, clutching at his hair and what he thought were her remains but were really what was left of her cocoon, mustard tears rolling down his face without any sign of ceasing.

She visited a few more times, each time wanting to comfort him, to do something about his grief, but she did not move from her spot, for she knew that if she interfered then, the entirety of their history would change, and he would never find comfort again.


	19. Vriska & Gamzee

A/N: Slightly longer than normal, since it seemed better this way.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Vriska & Gamzee

He was a bit frightening, in all honesty. Even before she found the journal of her ancestor, the amazing Marquise Mindfang, through whom she discovered that his talk of subjugglators and prophets was not merely the idle talk of a rusting think pan. The sheer lack of control she held over situations with him involved was another factor of her fear.

But she also knew that if she inserted herself into his life so thoroughly before his inner self was set off and became what he was always meant to be, he would never find her death to be as amusing.

So she started talking to him more. At first, he had been a bit leery of her sudden geniality, as he had heard of her treachery. Truly, it must be almost legendary, if it had made an impact on the slime-head. Steadily, she wore away at his meager defenses, and as time passed, he seemed to consider her a friend. Progress was being made.

Then Sgrub came along, and all thought of fostering a relationship fell to the wayside in favor of proving herself by defeating the Black King. But she hadn't expected him to be so powerful, and even with all her luck, she still ended up crouched at the King's feet, her draining attack having merely weakened him. And suddenly in a flash of violet, black and grey, he was in front of her, deflecting a claw headed straight for her. She stared up in shock as he turned slightly and smiled an odd smile she had never seen before. And then he tore the Black King asunder.

The unspoken challenge in his eyes, as if he was accusing her of not doing her absolute best on the battlefield, was mostly to blame for her part in creating Jack.


	20. Karkat & Kanaya

A/N: Someone pointed out that I have made most of these unrequited. Since I'm trying to stick to canon, I have to do this with most pairings. When I get to canon pairings, I'll try to make it less one-sided.

I do not own Homestuck.

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Karkat & Kanaya

His feelings for her were something he could never understand. At times he hated her for showing him up at some menial leader task, and then she'd just turn right around and help him calm everybody the fuck down. She was a great co-leader, without whom he'd probably have gotten them all killed many times over. He was eternally grateful for her, and yet he couldn't show such favoritism.

Her preference for girls was just one hindrance – the other being that he already had filled the quadrant she'd fit into best.

Sure, he'd settle for moirail with her any day, if only to keep her coming back. But it wasn't what he wanted. So when she was shot down with magical science, amongst the myriad of emotions he felt, a small spring of happiness welled up, almost completely overshadowed by grief and shock. Suddenly he was freed from the feelings she would never return, and now never could return. He could return to his matesprit without becoming an adulterer.

So when he saw her still alive and helping his now blind friend find the way, all he could do was stare.


End file.
